Of Blonde Hair and Silver Linings
by heartlessleostar
Summary: Takes place after 5x08, Carl's musings, since we never got to understand his perspective.


**So I wrote this before the mid-season premiere, I'm only posting this now. Enjoy!**

* * *

After Grady Memorial, there were not many words spoken. There was no discussion as to where to go next, the church was out of the question now. Abraham drove quietly, keeping steady eyes ahead on the road. Maggie sat on the floor of the van with Beth's head cradled in her lap, her screams of rage having quietened down to hushed sobs and hiccups. Glenn sat opposite her and watched wearily, ready to hold his wife the second she broke down again. Carl simply stared at Beth, his gaze hard and unnerving, not a trace of a tear to be seen. Daryl was crouched next to Maggie with his head bent over in his hands, seemingly unmoving. Carol was quietly sobbing as she leaned against Tyreese for support. Her wounds had taken a big physical toll on her, and the emotional pain was far too overwhelming for her, for everyone.

Rick, seated in the passenger seat, was unsure of how to go about this. It was his fault, as was everything, wasn't it? He was supposed to make sure that they were all there, that everyone would be safe. Beth was practically Judith's mother, she had nourished her and taken care of her when Rick was so stuck up in the past that he couldn't even look his own child in the eye. How on earth could he ever make amends? He hadn't even been able to honour Hershel…the man who saved his son's life, who risked his own to stay with the sick and give them hope…

Rick blinked back tears rapidly and rubbed his chin grimly. The silence wore on, thick and heavy, emotions high but no one dared to break the stillness. The shock and pain was still fresh. They had all lost and found and lost again, their wounds kept reopening and it was a miracle that they somehow managed to retain their sanity. Would there ever be an end to this atrocity, or would they each only find peace in the seemingly welcoming arms of death?

Surprisingly, it was Carl who spoke up. He had chosen to stay back in the firetruck with Judith and a very weak Eugene at Grady. The truth was, he had been missing Beth, even before they came to know of her whereabouts. She was his only friend for a long time back at the prison, before Patrick came along. She was pretty, she sang like an angel, and who could blame Carl for his feelings? He thought he'd gotten over her as he got older, but seeing her body limp and fragile, it triggered off those emotions he had carefully buried in the deep recesses of his brain.

* * *

_"She responds so well to you, you're a natural" he said, trying his best to sound nonchalant and offhandish. He tilted his father's hat up slightly so he could look up at Beth feeding formula to Judith. Her hair was in a long ponytail, her face bent down, and a laugh escaped her lips as Judith burped cutely._

_Beth looked up and smiled at him so warmly that he almost forgot how to breathe._

_She glanced back down and tilted the bottle a bit. "Nothing to do with me, lil Judy here's the natural. You've got the most adorable little sister in the world"_

_So does Maggie, he thought grimly, and prayed to God that he hadn't said that out loud._

_She looked back up, concern washing over her features. "I know your dad, he's gonna be back. You know it too. He's gonna get Maggie and Glenn back and it'll be okay."_

_"Yeah, but for how long? How long until one of us is the next to go?" he blurted out._

_"Don't talk like that" Beth chided, and it reminded him so much of his mother that he saw red._

_"Well, why not? What's the point anyways? We're all just here, surviving, and for what? It's not like the dead ones are missing out on this spectacular life, it's just getting worse. Why do we even want to keep living when there's clearly no hope?"_

_Judith began to cry and Beth looked at him sharply. His heart stung painfully as he watched her rock the baby gentley and then lower her into her crib. Beth stepped out of her cell and crossed her arms in front of him._

_"We don't get to think like that okay?" she said, her voice unusually stern. "We should be thankful that we have time. It may not be much, but we get by. It's what we've always been doing. If each one of us gives up, then who's gonna be there when the world changes, when there's finally a new beginning?"_

_She took and deep breath and knelt down slightly, putting an arm on his shoulder. "I know what it's like to lose a mom. No one should have to go through what you went through. I used to think the same, I didn't want to live anymore, I thought that the world was over and that everything had lost meaning. But I was wrong. I still got my Daddy and Maggie, you still got your family. It's not over yet. We gotta have hope, we gotta keep pushing._

_"You need to be strong for your dad, for Judith. She's gonna look up to her big brother as she gets older. She needs you. We all do._

_"There's a silver lining out there, you just gotta look harder."_

_Unshed tears sparkled in her clear blue eyes and his heart clenched. "You're so brave" she whispered. She bent and kissed his cheek lightly, her lips soft and supple on his skin. She smiled and wiped her eyes, turning back to Judith's crib. _

_He took a step forward to reach out to her, but stopped. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he walked slowly out of the cell block and stared at the walkers clawing at the fences, his mind reeling with thoughts of the older blonde girl who made the world slightly more bearable._

* * *

"We should find a nice place to bury her, somewhere green, with flowers" Carl's voice came out gruff and husky from the lack of use. Maggie finally looked up from Beth's face and a ghost of a smile lit up her tired face.

"She deserves nothing less" Carol said, achingly sitting up, remembering the determined and scarred face she had woken up to at the hospital.

Rick turned around in his seat, meeting his son's eyes. Carl stared him down, as if daring him to turn him down. Rick gave him a small smile, and looked back ahead. "I'm sure we can find a place" he said softly.

* * *

They lay her body down in a meadow on the outskirts of Atlanta. Tyreese and Abraham covered up the hole with soil and dirt, and the last thing Carl saw was the dried up blood on her forehead.

Maggie crouched down and sat at the head of the grave and Daryl stood fixedly at the foot of it while the others payed their respects. The group then sat a little ways away to take rest, making small conversation amongst themselves.

Carl knelt down next to her grave, patting the soil absently. He pulled out a crumpled yellow flower from inside his jean pocket, not recognizing the type but finding in suitable nevertheless. He lay it across the soil with trembling hands and looked up at the sun, the rays bright and piercing, and as the tears poured down his face, he almost didn't care if it blinded him.

_I never forgot you. I didn't. And I'm so sorry . So so so fucking sorry._

_You were my silver lining. You still are and always will be._


End file.
